wandering mind

Why is grief not a slope that diminishes into nothing? Why is it a wave? Why does it come and go? Like an ocean wave. Barely nudging you sometimes. But other times knocking you off your feet. This was the last time we were together and so happy. I was not ready to lose you.  I know you were not ready to go.  We had made plans to grow old together.  There were so many things we had planned for the near future and the far future.  And now what?

Bella and I have had a rocky relationship from day one. From the beginning, I found her a little bit too loud and obnoxious. But she did get the job done. However, I kept thinking that she needs to be replaced by someone more elegant. What's with all that snorting noises. Bella Please!! But, I couldn't get rid of her. Bella is this new coffee maker that I bought and before I could return her, someone recycled the box she came in. So now I am learning to live with her. She makes a lot of noise while brewing - almost like popcorn popping and it drives me insane. Like she is grumbling because I woke her up from a deep slumber and asked her to make coffee. But the coffee that comes out is pretty good. And she does come with many programmable options that I will explore once I get over the general nuisance that is her existence. But maybe it's about perspective? Maybe she is not grumbling and is, in fact, calling for a celebration - look you are alive and your day is ...

Everyone around me is setting goals for 2018. I too have been thinking about it for a while. During one of these pondering sessions an interesting thought popped up in my head : It doesn't matter how much money you make, what matters is that you feel like you have enough. I have always felt like that. Well not always. Not when I was making minimum wage at 16. But ever since I have had a professional job, I have always felt like there has been enough. I think one of the unspoken goal that I have is to leave enough money for the kids. But why do I have that desire. I made my own life. Don't I trust them to make their own? If I take that out of the equation then I feel like I have arrived. Life is pretty awesome as is. I have enough and I am surrounded by friends and family that I love. This is enough. Thank you universe! Gratitude!!

The spirit of small town really comes alive during the mother's day festival. Mom and pop shops and small restaurants line up the main street in our town. It is the day before mother's day - a perfect time for last minute mother's day gifts. I don't exactly remember which year it was, but kids were still young enough to be excited about this festival. I do remember that I was training for a marathon and Saturdays used to be the long run days. So this particular year I didn't make it to the festival. But kids went with their dad. They picked this for me among other things. I have always loved this. It used to sit in my office at work when I used to have a regular 9-5. Now it graces my desk in my home office.  

The year was 1990 - I had been married for a few months. I had taken a break from college. When I got married my aunt said that I should take a few months off and spend it doing nothing. She said it would be the best time of my life. I didn't really believe her. But I did it anyways. My college used to have quarters - and I took off two quarters and spent it traveling around India.  My husband had just finished his Masters in Civil Engineering - Offshore Engineering to be exact. So he was looking for a job. And I was about a year away from completing my Bachelors in Electronics Engineering. There were about a 1000 people at my wedding. I knew maybe about a 100 of them. We got a lot of cash. Enough to fund our travels and food and shelter for next several months. So that's what we did. I distinctly remember this evening in New Delhi. We had gone to Sector 8 market to pick up some groceries. As we were walking back, it was dark, maybe around 8pm. I saw this old women sitt...

Conference had ended and it was four chaotic and hectic days that started at 8 am and ended way after midnight.  It was the last day and I wanted to explore some more of San Francisco. I have been coming for several years, and I still love this city. My coworker and I couldn't agree on what we wanted to do. He suggested that we could see a movie, but we couldn't agree on a movie. And honestly, I didn't want to be inside of a movie theater - I would rather walk aimlessly in the city. We decided to part ways, he was going to a bar to watch football. And I decided  to see the Japanese Tea Garden. I was mapping out my route from union square to the gardens. I could change a couple of buses and get there for about $5. But it would take two hours. I called my husband and told him it was probably not worth it. He asked me why I am making it so complicated, why can't I just take a cab. What!! Why didn't I think of that. $27 uber ride got me to the gardens. It was hug...

Those were some very happy years. I had developed a sister like friend at work. We worked so well with each other, maybe extreme programming was designed after us. Any programming problem thrown at us, we could solve in no time - if left alone. We were inseparable. People used to joke that we are married. We used to go on walks at lunch time. Sometimes we will pick up hummus and olive tapenade and crusty bread from Trader Joes and have a picnic lunch at our desk. Sometimes we would sneak a glass of wine at lunch and come back all giggly and trying to be serious. Thursday in summers were Farmers market days - and you had to plan to be there early if you wanted the fougasse bread from the baker. He used to always run out by noon. Happy times. One day she walked in with a small segment of a plant - she put it in a paper cup with water on my desk. This was taken from her grand mother's plant. She loved her grandma more than life itself. Unfortunately, grandma had passed aw...